Day 1

1 bowl of crunchy nuts with caramel, skimmed milk
4 jellies ( sugar free and 9 kcal each)
Teas and Coffees, without sugar, skimmed milk
2 bottles of Sugar free pepsi
1 yogurt, fat free, 100 kcal


For the next 19 days.
If I fail, that would be due to my laziness and inability to control my tongue.
If I achieve my aim of weighing 97 pounds, I would be the happiest girl alive in the world on that day.

Until I fuck up everything and have to restart on my quest.

Today's weight: 103 pounds.

I did good last night.

I followed my plan and stuck to my words. 


I had one granary roll with a packet of crisp last night and that was it.


I am planning to do the same for the following few days and hopefully I don't fall far from the wagon.


In other news, I have an exam coming up therefore I seriously need to stop procrastinating and get my lazy ass into gear. It's not a huge deal. It's a tax exam to keep with with new development in the tax legislations. Ah, I am a qualified accountant as well as a qualified tax adviser, which is so boring!. I also need to book some tax conferences for the next few months. Its really not all that glamorous. Meeting old farts and listening to hours of lectures on tax topics isn't exactly my grand idea of fun in life but it works towards my CPD hence I have to go. The only exciting thing is that it's held in different places all over the country and sometimes I get to stay in some beautiful hotels and pretty places. Yes that totally rocks and everything else basically sucks.


Spring is knocking at the back of the door and I feel hopeful that very soon I would achieve my goal weight which is 95 pounds!. Jeez I can't wait. Really. If only I could bring myself to do some exercises, I could speed it up but I am slightly worried about losing weight too far as I might relapse and put it all on just as soon. I suppose slow and steady wins the race. But damn being so slow really does my head in. I like fast moving actions in life and hanging around waiting for things to happen really gets on my nerve.

Its a beautiful d

ay today, the sun is out, the flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping and there's a general smell of good things yet to happen in the air. I like today and hopefully I don't fuck it up by eating. 

Horrible feelings of despair.

I feel as such a royal fuck up and a right bloody fool. Against my will, I caved in and went to see Ash last night after two days of texting back and forth. I didn't want to see him as he is so very inconsistent with his words and that is a trait I hate in people. I really missed him and it was made all the more poignant when I saw him. That guy is seriously fucking gorgeous.

I came home and stuffed my face till I could breathe no more. I feel such a stupid slag for caving in to my stomach. I wasn't even hungry but I went on a full blown mission to gorge my throat. I don't know whether I hate myself today or I just wanna die. I feel listless, empty and sucked out of life. I am going to stay hungry for the next 4 days I have decided. But knowing myself too well, I will fuck it up. I have a habit of fucking everything up. I am simply a fucking lost cause.

I took a picture of a barren land this morning and it replicates my feeling i.e. barren. Devoid of life and emotions.

Last night.

Last night I drove to Chobham. It's very beautiful, calming & quiet there.

So to get here, I have to come out of  my close ( that's where I live ). Its a cul de sac, built about 15 years ago & it's kind of away from the main road. Anyhow. So you drive out on the main road & can either take the motorway or a normal road- so depends on my mood which one I take - I caught the motorway last night as I was in a hurry, take the exit to Windsor, pass Virginia Water ( I love this place. I climb the trees & cross the river in the summer ), pass some beautiful houses and then hit the dark roads. Bendy, dark roads. I hit the junction to Knowles Avenue where my heart always does a little flip. Drive for another mile and a half and hit this beautiful place. It's hard to describe this place ( no I haven't reached the place I went to - this is just before ). This spot takes my breath away. Always. Alright. Imagine this. It's very high. Very low trees. And because you are at a certain height you feel like you can almost touch the sky. In the summer when the stars are out, you feel like you are with them. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. The only other place I feel this way is just before reaching Wick. It's as if the earth & sky are touching. In perfect harmony. And as if, if separated they would fall apart. And now imagine if the sky fall apart. How terribly terribly tragic would that be. Yes this is truly God's mercy on Earth. It’s a unique feeling.

So another 100 yards & am at my favourite place. It’s still on a high rise. And it gets very dark at night & is surrounded by dense woods. All you can hear is the sound of the motorway below and animals of the dark.  It's spectacular. The national trust put a bench here a couple of years ago so you can sit & absorb the silence. I always wondered if they did that for my pleasure. Ha ha.  It's very healing. This place is deeply touching & truly bewitching. You really have to be here to feel its presence.

I am fascinated by places. I am always somewhere as I have said before. I have driven all over the country driving myself mental in the process, going from places to places. I will drive for hours and hours to get there and once I reach that place, I would wanna be somewhere different. I am very restless and fidgety as a person. I cannot stay in one place for too long. I always wanna run away from where I am, almost to escape the person who I am. I am always looking for something, looking for something to calm my restless soul. I have stayed in some very beautiful places and some very isolated places too. I am not scared to be on my own. I revel and thrill in isolation. What I fear most is finding out who I am and hating myself with such a deep hatred that I would end up doing something awful to myself. Growing up, my family moved a lot. We were constantly on the move and lived in some very isolated, godforsaken places far from civilization as my papa had a job which required him to live in those places. Hence, I gather my love for isolation and constant move to places stems from my childhood. I also went to a school which was out of nowhere, surrounded by mountains, lakes and woods. It was such an idyllic and lazy time. I miss those days. Growing up on my own, leaving home at 17 and constantly moving has deepened my intensity of restlessness and made me lose my mind somewhere I guess.

Anyhow, I am a road junkie. Open, twisted, dark and dangerous roads excites me. I love driving at night. I love driving at high speed and knowing that I might crash. I love knowing that I might crash but won’t. I am reckless and stupidly careless. I take a lot of chances. Absurd chances at times. But the control lies in me knowing that I won’t crash. The fun element is I might crash and everything would be quiet and peaceful. The sheer satisfaction that death brings. Unparallel to any high.

Not many things gets my heart racing and adrenaline pumping in the world except for spectacular roads, quirky towns, out of reach places, high speed cars, good books, soulful lyrics and my junk food addict, leg humping bunny Alex.

Uyuni de Salar. Bolivia.

I love this place. Heartbreakingly, soul wrenchingly and jaw droppingly BEAUTIFUL.

Amazing grace of God on Earth. Simply awespiring. Awesome.

This place gives the illusion of the sky touching the earth. Its a visionary delusion of course. Simply a mirage. A very impressive impression of how perception sometimes screws up reality. It's breath taking.

Utter bollocks. What crap.

Read this and have a laugh.  

I mean c'mon who the fuck is the writer kidding. I bet the clever smartass writer have a major hatred for all thin women and is a fat ass lard who had to come up with this despicable bullshit to appease his/her insatiable hunger pangs, which cannot be controlled by all the food he/she is dumping down his/her guts. Bollocks. That's what it is. No two ways about it.

Forgive me for sounding bitter and twisted but being fat is hardly desirable, enjoyable nor glamorous. I hate smug ass bitches/bastards who preach such insanity and bullshit to the world. No wonder the world is going through an obesity epic!

Lets be totally honest here. If you had to choose, which one would you choose to be. I bet you would choose to be the thinner woman. Because. Being fat is neither fun nor eye catching. Simply.

Lack of will to breathe.

I am in such a lousy mood today. I am being such a miserable horrid bitch to everyone. People talk to me and all I want to do is bite their heads off. I woke up this morning thinking ‘why the fuck did I even bother waking up’. It’s not like am making a huge difference in the world by being in it. No fuck that. All am doing is increase the population of fucking deluded mental people living in it. I am fucking fed up of myself. I am increasingly tired of living this pointless and useless life. No purpose. No ambition. Zilch motivation. All day, everyday, all I do is sit in my flat and list the million things to do and then end up doing fuck all. I am such a spineless failure through and through.

All day yesterday, Ash kept on texting me. That guy is seriously paranoid and inconsistent. And so fucking contradictory too. Fuck it, by the end of the day, needless to say, listening to him made me fucking mad and just basically give up on him. Fuck him. Stupid fucking idiotic pillock.

Anyhow as I have mentioned before, I can control ‘not eating’ during the day. But come around 6 pm, my blood pressure starts to drop. I start to feel colder than usual. I am perpetually cold and covered in layers and layers. Fucking nuisance. Does fucking head in. My head gets dizzy and funny and I get breathless and I eat something, albeit small. But then around 9 or 10 pm, I start feeling a real fear, as if, if I don’t eat I would die. As if. Ha. I ain’t so lucky and blessed in life. Duh. Sometimes I think life would be a much welcomed release in this life but I am such a coward that I would never kill myself. It also goes against my basic belief in life that my life doesn’t belong to me. My body does. I can cause irreparable and unlimited damage to it but my life doesn’t belong to me. Such a funny statement that is. Sometimes I even manage to confuse my brain and shock myself even more. As if I ain’t confused enough. When I was younger, I used to get real pissed off at myself. Maddeningly ragingly angry. I used to pick a knife and slice it very calmly through my skins. The pain did not hit me until later but the pouring blood used to appease me. So fucking sick I am. I have a huge fascination of knives. I have loads in my kitchen. Sharp, pointy, dangerous. Love them. After a while, I realized that cutting my skin was bringing me no closer to feel better except marking myself with irreversible scars. I have lots of scars on my arms and thighs and its always such a chore to explain to people how I got them. I mean why can’t I have my scars and everyone else mind their own business. I get majorly pissed off at intrusive and noisy people. Assholes. Anyhow, so last night, my plan was to eat a little and drag my ass to my bed. But I ended up eating an insanely huge amount and woke up this morning weighing an extra 2 pounds and absolutely fucking disgusted at myself. No matter how much I try, I end up fucking it. I am such a fuck up in life. Today I feel like fucking jumping off my balcony and breaking my limbs. That would teach me for being a greedy hungry cow. Am such a pathetic creature. I don’t even deserve to be called a human being. I so hate myself today. Honestly, I have been crying since I woke up. I am so desperate to get thinner but I have no motivation nor zeal to do anything about it. I have an elliptical machine at home, we stare and growl at each other all day but I never get on it to work out this fatty fucking lump that’s my body. The machine and I live in mutual antagonism. I hate my body. If only, I had the strength to put a knife through my heart and stop it beating but am a fucking big coward.

I WOULD KILL TO HAVE A BODY LIKE ANY OF THESE WOMEN. I WOULD TOO. SO BEAUTIFUL MAKES ME CRY.