I am in such a lousy mood today. I am being such a miserable horrid bitch to everyone. People talk to me and all I want to do is bite their heads off. I woke up this morning thinking ‘why the fuck did I even bother waking up’. It’s not like am making a huge difference in the world by being in it. No fuck that. All am doing is increase the population of fucking deluded mental people living in it. I am fucking fed up of myself. I am increasingly tired of living this pointless and useless life. No purpose. No ambition. Zilch motivation. All day, everyday, all I do is sit in my flat and list the million things to do and then end up doing fuck all. I am such a spineless failure through and through.
All day yesterday, Ash kept on texting me. That guy is seriously paranoid and inconsistent. And so fucking contradictory too. Fuck it, by the end of the day, needless to say, listening to him made me fucking mad and just basically give up on him. Fuck him. Stupid fucking idiotic pillock.
Anyhow as I have mentioned before, I can control ‘not eating’ during the day. But come around 6 pm, my blood pressure starts to drop. I start to feel colder than usual. I am perpetually cold and covered in layers and layers. Fucking nuisance. Does fucking head in. My head gets dizzy and funny and I get breathless and I eat something, albeit small. But then around 9 or 10 pm, I start feeling a real fear, as if, if I don’t eat I would die. As if. Ha. I ain’t so lucky and blessed in life. Duh. Sometimes I think life would be a much welcomed release in this life but I am such a coward that I would never kill myself. It also goes against my basic belief in life that my life doesn’t belong to me. My body does. I can cause irreparable and unlimited damage to it but my life doesn’t belong to me. Such a funny statement that is. Sometimes I even manage to confuse my brain and shock myself even more. As if I ain’t confused enough. When I was younger, I used to get real pissed off at myself. Maddeningly ragingly angry. I used to pick a knife and slice it very calmly through my skins. The pain did not hit me until later but the pouring blood used to appease me. So fucking sick I am. I have a huge fascination of knives. I have loads in my kitchen. Sharp, pointy, dangerous. Love them. After a while, I realized that cutting my skin was bringing me no closer to feel better except marking myself with irreversible scars. I have lots of scars on my arms and thighs and its always such a chore to explain to people how I got them. I mean why can’t I have my scars and everyone else mind their own business. I get majorly pissed off at intrusive and noisy people. Assholes. Anyhow, so last night, my plan was to eat a little and drag my ass to my bed. But I ended up eating an insanely huge amount and woke up this morning weighing an extra 2 pounds and absolutely fucking disgusted at myself. No matter how much I try, I end up fucking it. I am such a fuck up in life. Today I feel like fucking jumping off my balcony and breaking my limbs. That would teach me for being a greedy hungry cow. Am such a pathetic creature. I don’t even deserve to be called a human being. I so hate myself today. Honestly, I have been crying since I woke up. I am so desperate to get thinner but I have no motivation nor zeal to do anything about it. I have an elliptical machine at home, we stare and growl at each other all day but I never get on it to work out this fatty fucking lump that’s my body. The machine and I live in mutual antagonism. I hate my body. If only, I had the strength to put a knife through my heart and stop it beating but am a fucking big coward.
I WOULD KILL TO HAVE A BODY LIKE ANY OF THESE WOMEN. I WOULD TOO. SO BEAUTIFUL MAKES ME CRY.
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