Time to confess. Its so hard to admit because it makes it more real and poignant.

I am kind of lost and I have hit a stage in my life where I don’t know what I want.

If I dig deep inside of me, I know that it’s all about my weight issues. I have major weight issues and they have fucked up my life. It prevents me from forming any sort of relationship with people, however innocent, serious or harmless. At the core of everything, I want to be just skins and bones. I would kill myself if I ever put on weight. I am aware that a pound is not a big deal, but when I put on a single pound, it gets to me, it bugs me and like a hippo it sits on my head and smirk at me until I stop eating. A lot of people have major issues in controlling what they eat, but I have major issues in pushing myself to eat. As am very well aware that I can stop eating completely and cause myself a huge amount of damage.

On the other hand, I can control what I eat but once I start eating, I can’t stop myself. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for allowing my perception of myself fucks up my life completely. I have spent a life time educating myself and achieving various qualifications. I have worked very hard in being competent and moving up the progression and promotion ladders in my career and yet nothing matters to me except of how thin/fat I am. As if everything I have strived hard for in my life is meaningless compared to how I look. I hate my figure. I hate my body. But most of all I hate what lurks inside of me. I hate everything about me. And I believe that’s what made me such a terrible loner and terribly terribly lonely person in my life. Everything balances on what number shows up on the scale. Everything depends on what and how I eat and look. I hate myself for destroying my life in such a nasty and vile way but despite and inspite of myself I cannot help myself. I cannot help not eating. I cannot help not focusing on my weight. I cannot imagine a time when I will put something in my mouth without counting the caloric density and fat content of that food. I simply cannot imagine letting go of this obsession which will eventually kill me. And I know it will and that’s the worst of it because I have the full knowledge of how sick I am inside and yet I am allowing myself to carry on. I long for a day when I will be carefree and give myself a break but that would never happen. I have lived with this sickness inside of me for a long time. The demon inside of me. My alter ego devil which lures me, tempts me and calls out for me to become thinner and thinner and I know that although one day I will get there, I would never be truly happy. I am so lost in life. So fucking confused and off balance. I hate myself. I have had enough of dragging my body everywhere. Such a huge burden to bear my body is. So fucking frustrating and killing. So soul destroyingly horrid feeling to contain within. I hate it so much. I hate this life. I so fucking hate being here and even breathing seems so fucking hard.

 

These are some pics of my fat self. Such a fat fuck I am. I hate it all.

If only I could be thinner, the whole world would be a better place for me to live. The constant buszzing in my head would stop. My thoughts would start being coherent and making sense. But I will get there. I will get thin. I will be that ideal weight I want to be. And I will get there even if it kills me to reach it.