Time to confess. Its so hard to admit because it makes it more real and poignant.

I am kind of lost and I have hit a stage in my life where I don’t know what I want.

If I dig deep inside of me, I know that it’s all about my weight issues. I have major weight issues and they have fucked up my life. It prevents me from forming any sort of relationship with people, however innocent, serious or harmless. At the core of everything, I want to be just skins and bones. I would kill myself if I ever put on weight. I am aware that a pound is not a big deal, but when I put on a single pound, it gets to me, it bugs me and like a hippo it sits on my head and smirk at me until I stop eating. A lot of people have major issues in controlling what they eat, but I have major issues in pushing myself to eat. As am very well aware that I can stop eating completely and cause myself a huge amount of damage.

On the other hand, I can control what I eat but once I start eating, I can’t stop myself. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for allowing my perception of myself fucks up my life completely. I have spent a life time educating myself and achieving various qualifications. I have worked very hard in being competent and moving up the progression and promotion ladders in my career and yet nothing matters to me except of how thin/fat I am. As if everything I have strived hard for in my life is meaningless compared to how I look. I hate my figure. I hate my body. But most of all I hate what lurks inside of me. I hate everything about me. And I believe that’s what made me such a terrible loner and terribly terribly lonely person in my life. Everything balances on what number shows up on the scale. Everything depends on what and how I eat and look. I hate myself for destroying my life in such a nasty and vile way but despite and inspite of myself I cannot help myself. I cannot help not eating. I cannot help not focusing on my weight. I cannot imagine a time when I will put something in my mouth without counting the caloric density and fat content of that food. I simply cannot imagine letting go of this obsession which will eventually kill me. And I know it will and that’s the worst of it because I have the full knowledge of how sick I am inside and yet I am allowing myself to carry on. I long for a day when I will be carefree and give myself a break but that would never happen. I have lived with this sickness inside of me for a long time. The demon inside of me. My alter ego devil which lures me, tempts me and calls out for me to become thinner and thinner and I know that although one day I will get there, I would never be truly happy. I am so lost in life. So fucking confused and off balance. I hate myself. I have had enough of dragging my body everywhere. Such a huge burden to bear my body is. So fucking frustrating and killing. So soul destroyingly horrid feeling to contain within. I hate it so much. I hate this life. I so fucking hate being here and even breathing seems so fucking hard.

 

These are some pics of my fat self. Such a fat fuck I am. I hate it all.

If only I could be thinner, the whole world would be a better place for me to live. The constant buszzing in my head would stop. My thoughts would start being coherent and making sense. But I will get there. I will get thin. I will be that ideal weight I want to be. And I will get there even if it kills me to reach it.

The Time Traveler's Wife.

I am sure many of you have read the Time Traveler’s Wife. I absolutely love that book. There is this heartbreakingly beautiful paragraph in the novel, which remains my favourite indefinitely.

Here goes:

"Our life together in this too-small apartment is punctuated by Henry's small absences. Sometimes he disappears unobtrusively; I might be walking from the kitchen into the hall and find a pile of clothing on the floor. I might get out of bed in the morning and find the shower running and no one in it. Sometimes it's frightening. I am working in my studio one afternoon when I hear someone moaning outside my door; when I open it I find Henry on his hands and knees, naked, in the hall, bleeding heavily from his head. He opens his eyes, sees me, and vanishes. Sometimes I wake up in the night and Henry is gone. In the morning he will tell me where he's been, the way other husbands might tell their wives a dream they had: "I was in the Selzer Library in the dark, in 1989." Or: "I was chased by a German shepherd across somebody's backyard and had to climb a tree." Or: "I was standing in the rain near my parents' apartment, listening to my mother sing." I am waiting for Henry to tell me that he has seen me as a child, but so far this hasn't happened. When I was a child I looked forward to seeing Henry. Every visit was an event. Now every absence is a nonevent, a subtraction, an adventure I will hear about when my adventurer materializes at my feet, bleeding or whistling, smiling or shaking. Now I am afraid when he is gone".

 Only very recently, I said to someone that I wish someone would wait for me ( as I drift a lot, in my mind and moves. I have been drifting since I was 12 years old but more about that later) - in reference to the Traveler's wife, however, that person was ignorantly oblivious to what I was on about ( this happens often a lot to me i.e. people are clueless to what I am on about ) and well that was it really. The story of Claire and Henry often reminds me of myself as I am a diametrical thinker. Everything is the end of the world for me. I have no sense of moderation whatsoever. Often in life, I have been extreme and intense and people see that as a sort of affection in me but for me it's just the way I think and that is a fault in itself. Essentially moderation, finding a middle ground, being balance in life is extremely crucial. Anyhow, going back to TV, the similarity, I found was that everyone in the story love with such a passion where there is no middle ground, no growing in love, no loving and losing etc etc. It's all very dramatic and intense ( as yours truly ). Indubitably, it is the absolute genius of the talent of the literary skill of Ms N, who is such a remarkable writer.

I suppose I could also post this para as I am feeling somewhat demure and my luck is blowing raspberries at me for being over ambitious and over optimistic.

 So here goes

"Clare, I want to tell you, again, I love you. Our love has been the thread through the labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that I could ever trust. Tonight I feel that my love for you has more density in this world than I do, myself: as though it could linger on after me and surround you, keep you, hold you".

Ah am such a soppy romantic deep down. Through and through. I guess being born with a hint of optimism has made me a helplessly hopeful person in life. Kind of cute though. Only if that fuckball didn’t come up with such a smartass, ingenious, totally cocky proposal, everything would have been fine. But he had to fucking spoil it. Fuck him.

Heartbreak hurts. Feeling low today. Totally sucks.

I feel utterly stupid and like a right fucked up idiot today.

I met this guy on a dating site a few weeks ago. Lots to say about me huh seeing as I have to use a dating site to bag a date. Well, my repertoire of social skills ain’t really amazing hence I decided to use one. Fuck it I am just useless at making conversation with people in real life. I get bored out of my skin before people even say ‘boo’ to me! Anyhow where was I. Yes, I got chatting to this guy called Ash. Let me make something clear before I proceed any further. This whole dating site business was just a way of easing up my boredom for me. I didn’t actually have the slightest inclination nor intention to meet someone in real life. Yes call me a slutty tease but hey some things are meant to be kept in a virtual world and playing them out in a real life scenario sucks the fun out of them I guess. Well, that’s my philosophy. What anyone else thinks is their business. So as I mentioned I got chatting with this guy who came across very well spoken, cool and funny. But he started the conversation with a lie. He told me his name was Alex ( as my bunny, which is what prompted me to speak to him in the first place) when actually his real name is Ash. I got majorly pissed off. Alright after bullshitters, the other group of people I absolutely hate are liars. C’mon liars are worst than thief for me. At least with stealing, people can reform. But liars are deceptive, cruel and mean inherently. I cannot tolerate people who lie. Pisses me right off. Anyhow, he kind of apologised profusely and explained his reason for  telling the lies. Somehow, he warmed to my heart and I got carried away. Alright so my belief is that as humans we are heuristic by nature. Next thing, I know we set a date, I met him and he was as charming, articulate and good looking as I thought he was. I am an impulsive reactionary and this often gets me in trouble but hey we only live once so we might as well grab each opportunity we feel we must follow. I was bawled over by him.  C’mon which girl does not like good looks, good intellect and well refined men?. Name me one and I would call you bluff and a bullshitter. I met him a few more times. As well as being the perfect gentleman, he was an amazing kisser among other things. I kept on telling him that am sure there must be a catch somewhere as I certainly don’t believe that I have such good luck in life. Yes, I have a massive track record to prove that.

Sometime later, he asked me to get off the dating site as he was apparently serious about ‘us’ and didn’t want me to chat to other men. I kind of found that amusing but I went along as it was so endearing to think that he was thinking seriously about ‘us’. Next thing I knew, he became very cool towards me, sent me a text message saying that he wasn’t ready to fall in love with me as he had been hurt several times in the past and he would like us to remain ‘friends’. What the fuck. I was gutted. I had all my hopes high and he went ahead and picked my bubbles with a pin and busted them. I was seriously upset about it. He went quiet for a few days and last night he sent me a text saying that he had a deal for me. And listen to this. Because this is so surreal.  Believe it or not this is true. He explained that he wasn’t ready to fall in love with me ( fucking boring, I hate repetition. I got it the first time around alright. No need to fucking rub it in and make me bleed more you fucking moron), but he liked me and he would like us to meet once or twice a month for hot passionate lovemaking sessions and in the meantime we are both allowed to chat and date others as long as we don’t sleep with them. WHAT THE FUCK. THE SHEER ARROGANCE AND MOCKERY OF HIM. Alright, how cocky is that. It broke my heart. There was a chance that I was going to fall in love with him and I thought my feelings were being reciprocated. We both seemed to be totally smitten and into each other but as I have said my perception is all skewed up hence I see things the total opposite way. But what made him think that I would play along with this dirty sordid fucking proposal. I texted him back a reply saying that although I appreciated his offer, unfortunately, I couldn’t accept it. I MEAN C’MON THAT WAS TOTAL IGNORANCE. ARROGANCE IS EARNED BUT IGNORANCE YOU CAN’T HELP HAVING. I TOTALLY HATE HIM FOR THAT. FUCKING FUCKBAG ASSHOLE. ARRGHHHH.

Anyhow later at night when I told him how much I felt hurt and broken hearted by him, he suggested that we meet and he would kiss and cuddle me to make me feel better. FUCK YOU I SAID.

Am sorry guys for ranting on but I needed to get this off my chest. I feel so full of despair and miserable as fuck today.

On a more positive note, I managed to get off my ass and go for a walk in the park next to me today. It was cold but I had layers and layers on me and listening to Adele ‘Someone like you’ kind of made me more depressed and suicidal than ever, hence, not so positive after all. But seriously, that gal totally rocks. Such amazing, angelic and mellowing voice. Pulls the strings of my heart.

Here are some pics I took this morning:

I feel utterly stupid and like a right fucked up idiot today.

I met this guy on a dating site a few weeks ago. Lots to say about me huh seeing as I have to use a dating site to bag a date. Well, my repertoire of social skills ain’t really amazing hence I decided to use one. Fuck it I am just useless at making conversation with people in real life. I get bored out of my skin before people even say ‘boo’ to me! Anyhow where was I. Yes, I got chatting to this guy called Ash. Let me make something clear before I proceed any further. This whole dating site business was just a way of easing up my boredom for me. I didn’t actually have the slightest inclination nor intention to meet someone in real life. Yes call me a slutty tease but hey some things are meant to be kept in a virtual world and playing them out in a real life scenario sucks the fun out of them I guess. Well, that’s my philosophy. What anyone else thinks is their business. So as I mentioned I got chatting with this guy who came across very well spoken, cool and funny. But he started the conversation with a lie. He told me his name was Alex ( as my bunny, which is what prompted me to speak to him in the first place) when actually his real name is Ash. I got majorly pissed off. Alright after bullshitters, the other group of people I absolutely hate are liars. C’mon liars are worst than thief for me. At least with stealing, people can reform. But liars are deceptive, cruel and mean inherently. I cannot tolerate people who lie. Pisses me right off. Anyhow, he kind of apologised profusely and explained his reason for  telling the lies. Somehow, he warmed to my heart and I got carried away. Alright so my belief is that as humans we are heuristic by nature. Next thing, I know we set a date, I met him and he was as charming, articulate and good looking as I thought he was. I am an impulsive reactionary and this often gets me in trouble but hey we only live once so we might as well grab each opportunity we feel we must follow. I was bawled over by him.  C’mon which girl does not like good looks, good intellect and well refined men?. Name me one and I would call you bluff and a bullshitter. I met him a few more times. As well as being the perfect gentleman, he was an amazing kisser among other things. I kept on telling him that am sure there must be a catch somewhere as I certainly don’t believe that I have such good luck in life. Yes, I have a massive track record to prove that.

Sometime later, he asked me to get off the dating site as he was apparently serious about ‘us’ and didn’t want me to chat to other men. I kind of found that amusing but I went along as it was so endearing to think that he was thinking seriously about ‘us’. Next thing I knew, he became very cool towards me, sent me a text message saying that he wasn’t ready to fall in love with me as he had been hurt several times in the past and he would like us to remain ‘friends’. What the fuck. I was gutted. I had all my hopes high and he went ahead and picked my bubbles with a pin and busted them. I was seriously upset about it. He went quiet for a few days and last night he sent me a text saying that he had a deal for me. And listen to this. Because this is so surreal.  Believe it or not this is true. He explained that he wasn’t ready to fall in love with me ( fucking boring, I hate repetition. I got it the first time around alright. No need to fucking rub it in and make me bleed more you fucking moron), but he liked me and he would like us to meet once or twice a month for hot passionate lovemaking sessions and in the meantime we are both allowed to chat and date others as long as we don’t sleep with them. WHAT THE FUCK. THE SHEER ARROGANCE AND MOCKERY OF HIM. Alright, how cocky is that. It broke my heart. There was a chance that I was going to fall in love with him and I thought my feelings were being reciprocated. We both seemed to be totally smitten and into each other but as I have said my perception is all skewed up hence I see things the total opposite way. But what made him think that I would play along with this dirty sordid fucking proposal. I texted him back a reply saying that although I appreciated his offer, unfortunately, I couldn’t accept it. I MEAN C’MON THAT WAS TOTAL IGNORANCE. ARROGANCE IS EARNED BUT IGNORANCE YOU CAN’T HELP HAVING. I TOTALLY HATE HIM FOR THAT. FUCKING FUCKBAG ASSHOLE. ARRGHHHH.

Anyhow later at night when I told him how much I felt hurt and broken hearted by him, he suggested that we meet and he would kiss and cuddle me to make me feel better. FUCK YOU I SAID.

Am sorry guys for ranting on but I needed to get this off my chest. I feel so full of despair and miserable as fuck today.

On a more positive note, I managed to get off my ass and go for a walk in the park next to me today. It was cold but I had layers and layers on me and listening to Adele ‘Someone like you’ kind of made me more depressed and suicidal than ever, hence, not so positive after all. But seriously, that gal totally rocks. Such amazing, angelic and mellowing voice. Pulls the strings of my heart.

Here are some pics I took this morning

Mushroom Farm.

This morning I decided that I absolutely had to visit this beautiful mushroom farm in Oxford, which is roughly an estimated 45 miles on the motorway from where I live. I had an urge to see mushrooms grow. Beats me don't ask me why. Well, what else can I do when my days are so boring just as my personality. 

But yes guess what the mushroom fucking farm is closed. It's the wrong season, wrong time of the year etc etc. Well it's fucking wrong of them to be even existing there let's put it that way. O I get so annoyed at bad adverts. Why advertise it when they fully know that they are closed. I bet they sit there behind their desks, post these little tempting ads on line and just wait for dumbhead asses like me to turn up so they can get their laughing kick and blow raspberries at pillocks like me. Smug bastardised dickheads. Smug, priggish, self conceited slugs. I hate you all. Not their fault really. I have no organisational skills whatsoever ( nah you don't say Aish ). A life time of education has basically taught me nothing. Taught me fuck all. All its done is taint my innocence, ravished my brain and made me more confused than ever. Sometimes I even ask myself if the education system has brainwashed me because I do feel like the cat-woman sometimes: staggeringly super slick sexy and remarkably uncontrollable. But then the rational part of my brain kicks in and scream ' shut the fuck up you stupid demented woman - your education has just made you apathetically incorrigible mess causing more chaos than order in your brain'. Well guys and gals, I wouldn't frankly put anything past this corrupt government. After all, history will prove that coalition never works. The only thing that works best in life is flying solo. An adventurous epic that is. I bet this is all a smartly devised ploy of the govt, to get us all super educated so that they can slowly mass murder us with the torture of books. O fuck where was I. Yes the place is closed and am pissed off. I hate inconsistencies and false promises. I hate the metro too. Always promises us a great summer and all they deliver is two days of a poor sorry sun trying its best to show its ass just to please us and take a long holiday for the rest of the season. Even the sun likes the Caribbean islands more than us - can you see that. The sun says fuck you you miserable lot who can't be arsed to take a day off to enjoy my grace on you so it goes to a place where it is more appreciated. I hate the sun. Fuck you sun. You big yellow fiery hot thingy melting the ice and killing the poor polar bears. Yes Mr Sun I blame it all on you. I mean what did those wee beautiful things ever done to you to deserve that. And I blame the Sun newspaper. For destroying the environment by chopping off the trees. All that tree cutting causing massive deforestation and shortening the lifespan of the polar bears. Damn you Sun. I mean C'mon have they not hit the new age era yet. Who reads newspapers these says ( me me me  ). Haven't they heard of online publishing. Gee. Get a life both of you. Sun plus Sun equals Matt I calculated very cleverly. Yes I blame you my friend Matt too for the destruction of the universe. Okay my list of blame for him is quite long and I can't bullet point them here but suffice to say that I blame his rover with extra carbon emission causing more footprints on the ecological climate. I mean seriously why not use an Eco friendly, environmentally sustainable, solar or wind operated motor instead.





That's mine. Darn. Damn. Fuck.




That's Matt's Wheels. Ah man, I wish I had money to own such a beauty!




Fuck where was I. Alright take a look at this pic      

What do you see. A garlic farm. Good eyesight by the way. So I went there with the full knowledge that it is a garlic farm which grows garlic. Genius. Wrong. The farm imports garlic from Egypt and hang them to dry in the shop. Alright. Fair enough. I fully expected to find some beautiful, gorgeous looking, yummy tasting garlics. Wrong again. All I got was some garlic and chilli ice creams which tasted awesome by the way.

O. Matt is someone very special to me. He drives a beautiful brand new 4&4 Rover. I love that wheel. Always makes me feel small, petite and fragile when I sit in it. Lol. Well at least that's what I think but don't listen to me as my perception is too often screwed up. Classic of me!

A wee bit more about me is necessary here I gather!

Where do I start.

Probably with the type of person I am would be a good idea.

Alright away I go.

I am.
I am.
I am.

See there, I am lost for words already. I ask myself how in the world, I am going to post writings here if I can't stitch together two sentences to begin wish! Fucking hell Aish, get a grip will ya!

O that's a brilliant start then. Lets start with that. I have an uncanny habit of talking to myself, more often than not to reprimand myself. As a person, I am driven and determined but not necessarily ambitious. That is so contradictory I guess huh. But it is so true of myself. I have a habit of pushing myself to do something, get somewhere etc and once I reach that point, I want nothing more to do with it. I have a short attention span. I find it hard to remain focused on one single thing for too long. I start getting bored and antsy. I am very manic in nature. I can never sit still. I tend to run, jump and race at all times just like the million and one thoughts that jump hula hoops in my mind at all times. I am very diametrical in thinking hence if I decide to do something, I absolutely have to do it. The worst thing about my traits is that I am highly over critical of myself. I spend a lot of time by myself which makes me a loner which I undeniably love being and therefore I am reflective and deep thinking in attitude.

Enough about me for the mo.

I love this place! I have a great love of places, I am an incorrigible drifter. I always have to be somewhere other than where I am needed.

O yes, I always run late. Damn. I have run late for every single significant event of my life which does my bloody head in and I also use profane words a tad too easily!

A new beginning. Again.

It has taken me forever; which is a hellish of a long time, to start this blog.

This is where I live. I love the reflection of the sunset on dry land.

I don't know what I aim to achieve by it, however, I am willing to test the water and see whether this works to bring some understanding into the much organised and despair that is my life these days. Of course, I am entertaining myself with the delusion that once I get writing, my innermost fears and aspirations would manifest themselves and make it more apparent and workable for me. I very much doubt that. I have a sneaky suspicion that my boredom is what brought me here. The sheer monotonicity of life, the pointlessness and absurdity of routines which bores the life out of me quite frankly. I suppose I can always jeez I don't know join a gym or a literary group perhaps but am too lazy to get my ass into gear, I am matured enough to admit. Although, admittedly my maturity level still sucks at the grand age of 28!. I have very smartly ( note the word smart which I ain't by any standards but I find it highly amusing to insert the word here ha ha, with a hint of humour I suppose) decided to write this blog and bring some homour into my dull, dreary and solipsistic life. Yes, very cleverly noted, it is all about me. From me, about me, and within me. As a go along, I would write a bit more about myself. Suffice to say at the moment that I am just in absolute awe of myself that I have managed to get this far after almost three years of waiting to start this up.

Say hello to Alex; my ten months old bunny.

I figured out it's a good idea to embark on this journey with a pic of him! Love him to bits!

O. I am Aish by the way. 28 years old girl living in London. Rest about me would be revealed later. Ha ha. Certainly brings an air of mystery around me! Lol